Welcome to the Gremlin Winter Olympics. Gremlin Edition.
I tried to organize a normal Olympic Games. I really did. Professional. Legitimate. *Dignified.* Then the gremlins got involved. I should know better by this point. But hey...
This is my life now.
**WHAT TO EXPECT:**
New event coverage drops daily (when the gremlins cooperate, which is... optimistic).
Expect:
- Chaos
- Dumbassery on a Daily Basis for a little over two weeks. All prayers gratefully accepted.
- Creative misinterpretation of winter sports
- Engineering decisions that violate common sense, physics and several health and safety protocols
- Zero structural integrity
- Negative respect for physics, physical safety or wellbeing.
- Sarcasm.
- A pretty awesome anthem if I say so myself
- The occasional ridiculous video
Do NOT expect:
- Order.
- Rule following.
- Accurate Human Olympic coverage.
- Anything to make sense. If you're lookin' for logic you have landed in the entirely wrong arena.
- Dennis to behave
- Any of this to go according to plan.
- Us to care if this content isn't for you. This event is in no way affiliated to the Human version.
**MEET YOUR CHAOS AGENTS:**
**Dennis the Demolition Demon**
Professional chaos engineer. Operates at energy levels that break scientific measurement. Believes every problem can be solved with more power, duct tape, and aggressive optimism. Has been banned from electrical panels, plumbing systems, and the phrase "what if we just..." Asks "why?" never. Asks "why not?" always. Fear him. Respect him. Keep him away from anything with a power source. You have been warned.
**Maude**
The only competent gremlin in this entire operation. Crisis manager, project dismantler, keeper of Dennis's leash. Can fix anything—including your shattered confidence after she explains exactly why you're wrong. Looks absolutely flawless while doing it. Has a Mom Voice that operates in all dimensions simultaneously. Do not test her. She has wire cutters and OPINIONS.
**Carl**
Lives somewhere elevated (chandeliers, trees, anywhere that's NOT the ground). Firm believer that height equals safety (it doesn't). Makes poor decisions. Has philosophical moments about those decisions. Frequently ends up in corners thinking about what he did wrong. Accompanied everywhere by Buzzworth, his emotional support bumblebee hand puppet, who has better judgment than Carl does.
**Buzzworth**
A hand puppet. Shaped like a bumblebee. Somehow the voice of reason in Carl's life. Long-suffering. Provides commentary. Questions Carl's choices (frequently). Goes "bzzzz" (meaningfully).
**Bob**Always *so close* to understanding the assignment. Never quite gets there. Interprets everything slightly left of correct. Commits FULLY to his interpretation with absolute confidence regardless of exactly how many flavours of wrong he may be. His personal best is 148.. You'll understand when you see it. It's simultaneously impressive and baffling.
Perpetually disgusted by gremlin behavior while being a gremlin himself. Wishes he was literally anywhere else. Frequently serves as Dennis's unwilling test subject. Gets stuck to things with alarming regularity (both literally and metaphorically). Smart enough to know this is a bad idea. Not smart enough to leave.
**Stripe**
Emotional support through strategic candle placement. Lights candles for everything—success, failure, ambiance, geological stability, morale, Dennis's survival odds. Somehow the most zen gremlin here. Provides spiritual guidance. Vibes peacefully while chaos unfolds around him.
Enthusiastic. VERY enthusiastic. Makes decisions with his heart, not his brain. Dual-wields anything he can get his hands on. Moves at two speeds: full throttle and asleep. Commits to bits. Sometimes those bits are terrible ideas. Doesn't matter. He's COMMITTED.
**Punk**
Owns a saucepan helmet. Wears it unironically. Believes it's "regulation sport equipment." Makes bold claims. Backs them up with can authoritative tone (not accuracy, and with zero supporting documentation). Loyal. Brave. Questionable judgment. The saucepan stays ON. Unless someone is getting whacked with it.
**Allan & Wicket**
The relatively sensible ones (which isn't saying much). Allan builds things (forts, barricades, coping mechanisms). Wicket observes, takes notes, asks clarifying questions that reveal everyone else's flawed logic. They're trying their best. Their best involves a LOT of resigned sighing.
**GW (Gremlin Wrangler—that's me)**
Tried to organize a legitimate sporting event. Failed spectacularly. Now just documenting the chaos and questioning every decision that led here. Brain buffers frequently. Becoming immune to the lunacy but committed to seeing this through. Send help. Or snacks. Preferably both.
**ONE EVENT AT A TIME.**
**ONE DISASTER AT A TIME.**
**WELCOME TO THE MADNESS.**