WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC
*A Gremlin Olympics Post-Incident Report*
In the interest of crowd safety, Dennis's beloved miniature Gatling gun was confiscated prior to the Gremlin Winter Olympics.
This seemed like a reasonable precaution at the time.
What we FAILED to anticipate was what Dennis would do when deprived of his much-beloved primary chaos instrument.
The word provided to competitors was simple: "Luge."
A traditional luge is a small sled for one or two people, used for racing down an ice track in a supine position. Competitors lie on their backs, feet-first, reaching speeds of up to 90 mph through skill, aerodynamics, and controlled descent.
This definition was readily available. Multiple diagrams existed. There were instructional videos. Several other competitors consulted these resources and arrived at the venue with appropriate, regulation sleds.
Did Dennis consult any of these resources? No. No, he did not.
Dennis is possibly slightly dyslexic, definitely monumentally stupid, and upon encountering the word "LUGE" for the first time, asked exactly zero follow-up questions.
**Dennis's thought process went as follows:**
LUGE → LOOS
....Oh dear. There were zero intervening thoughts. None. Right at the critical moment where Dennis's brain made its catastrophic leap from "luge" to "loo" and decided that was sufficient research.
The idea spiralled.
LUGE → LOO → ROCKETS → GEORGE
On the way, his sixth sense activated - that peculiar Dennis ability to detect chaos materials in dumpsters from three blocks away. In a skip behind a building renovation, Dennis found what he needed: one (1) discarded toilet, reasonably intact, and best of all?
Free. Of. Charge.
He dusted it off. He removed the ballcock. He filled the cistern with C4 and jelly bean shrapnel.
You know. The usual modifications.
What George is NOT is a willing participant in Dennis's projects.
However, Dennis operates under the firm and unshakeable belief that feelings are a social construct invented by people with Too Much Free Time. As such, Dennis did not consult George on this matter. Dennis simply... acquired George.
This is not a new phenomenon.
You see, George is Dennis's designated test subject for Every Terrible Idea:
- Gatling gun snowball velocity testing? George gets pelted at the speed of sound.
- Rocket toilet luge? ALSO GEORGE.
George hides in trash cans for a reason. He KNOWS. He always knows. And yet, somehow, Dennis always finds him. Maybe its his years of Skip Diving.
Maybe poor George just smells TOO. DAMN. CLEAN.
The irony of George - the most obsessively clean, orderly, hygiene-focused mogwai in existence - being strapped to a DUMPSTER TOILET and launched down an icy track at obscene speeds is not lost on anyone.
Except Dennis.
Dennis doesn't understand irony. Or feelings. Or safety regulations.
THE "MODIFICATIONS"
In addition to the C4 and jelly bean shrapnel, Dennis's luge featured:
- Duct tape (structural and aesthetic)
- Rockets (multiple, origin unknown. Stolen, possibly.)
- Fireworks (extremely patriotic for unclear reasons)
- Wheels (salvaged from something that was probably definitely still using them)
- A timer counting down (to what? no one knows)
- Possibly a fork
When asked about the design philosophy, Dennis said:
"Fast. Aerodynamic. Spectacular."
When asked about safety features, Dennis said: "Duct tape."
Maude attempted to intervene.
"Dennis. No."
Dennis put on his most charming expression. "But it's for science".Maude, mom voice at the ready: "Dennis. No."
Dennis paused. Looked at the rocket toilet. Looked at George (already duct-taped into position). Looked back at Maude.
Dennis, Proudly: "But it's a Luge."
Maude: "That is a TOILET with EXPLOSIVES."
Dennis, beaming:"OK... So it's a fast toilet. It's a premium feature."
Maude pinched the bridge of her nose. "Dennis, you cannot launch George down an icy track on a—"
the tannoy sounded to line up ready.
Dennis had not been listening anyway. He had that look in his eyes, that sparkle when his hard work is paying off and implosion is less of a possibility than a guaranteed event.
Dennis was already pushing the toilet toward the start line.
the starting pistol went off.
George's expression suggested he had made peace with his fate and also that he would very much like some cabbage when this was over. If there was an "over."
Meanwhile, in the commentators lounge:
"We're here live at the Gremlin Olympics
Luge event where...
wait...
is that...
is that a TOILET?"
The results were immediate, terrifying, and headed directly for Stockholm at approximately 167 miles per hour. In fairness, George's assessment of the situation was succinct and accurate.
Yes, George, we KNOW it's crazy, but it's too late now, you're already airborne.
The commentators had no response. What could they possibly say? The evidence was hurtling past them in a blur of porcelain, fire, and jelly beans, accompanied by a sound that can only be described as "existential screaming with intermittent explosions."
Reports from the track indicate:
- Maximum speed achieved: 167 mph (approximately269 km/h for our international readers)- Direction: Generally Stockholm- George's mental state: Deteriorating rapidly- Jelly bean shrapnel effectiveness: Surprisingly high- Duct tape structural integrity: Holding (barely)- Dennis's awareness of the problem: Zero
George did cross the finish line. Eventually. After several unscheduled detours, multiple course violations, and what witnesses described as "a concerning amount of fire for an ice-based sport."
His time was disqualified for the following reasons:
- Use of rocket propulsion
- Explosive devices in sporting equipment
- Violation of the "no projectile jelly beans" clause (which we've now added to the handbook)
- Traveling in a seated position (on a toilet) rather than the required supine position
- Screaming (continuous, understandable, but against regulations)
- Possible international airspace violations
Dennis's response to the disqualification: "But we finished."
Technically true? Possibly. Unhelpful?
The Aftermath of the Event was.... unfortunate.
George was located in a corner of the medical tent, rocking, sobbing, and repeating the word "cabbage" with increasing desperation.
The Emotionally Supportive Lobster was immediately deployed.
Even the lobster looked concerned. This was beyond standard protocol. This mogwai had experienced rocket-propelled toilet flight with explosive jelly beans. The lobster's certification covered general anxiety and mild trauma, not... *this*.
Cabbage was procured. Large quantities. An array of varieties. George is still in the corner. The rocking has decreased slightly. He has, however not stopped asking for cabbage and sobbing.
We're told he may recover. Eventually. Possibly.
**LESSONS LEARNED**
1. The "Luge" event competitors must be breathalysed, be provided with diagrams, video references, and a legally binding definition going forward. Entry to the sport may not be availed without proper pre-event vetting.
2. Dennis is banned from skips, dumpsters, refuse collection points, and anywhere else he might acquire "free materials."
3. George is being provided with a restraining order against Dennis. It will not be effective, but it exists.
4. The phrase "Dennis's thought process went from LUGE → LOO → ROCKETS → GEORGE with zero intervening thoughts" has been entered into the official record as evidence pending further review.
5. C4 is not an appropriate Luge modification.
6. Neither are Jelly Beans.
7. Or fireworks.
8. Or duct tape as the primary structural element.
9. Feelings are, in fact, real. Someone please explain this to Dennis. (We've tried. It hasn't worked.)
10. The Emotionally Supportive Lobster needs a raise.
That said....
The luge event has been completed. George survived (physically, at least). Dennis remains confused about why everyone is upset and why he has a restraining order from every salvage yard within a 1000 mile radius.
Stockholm has requested we never do this again.
We should have been more specific.
OFFICIAL STATEMENT ISSUED BY THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE:
The Gremlin Olympics Organizing Committee would like to clarify that "luge" refers to a SLED, not a ROCKET-POWERED TOILET. We apologize for any confusion, trauma, or jelly bean-related injuries. George is receiving the best cabbage available. Dennis is receiving a stern talking-to (which he is, of course using all 47 muscles in his ears to ignore). We're doing our best.
