The Gremlin Winter Olympics Day 3: Biathlon



Following the regrettable but necessary suspension of all skiing events—after what historians will now refer to as The Alpine Peeing Incident—Olympic organizers attempted to redirect gremlin energy into something “less slope-dependent and ideally less moist.”

Enter The Biathlon.

Unfortunately, somewhere between translation, poor acoustics, and a gremlin who thought the word rifle meant retail, the competitors concluded the event required them to race to the nearest Biathlon store and acquire supplies using speed, stealth, and extremely questionable ethics.


The starting pistol fired.

Within seconds, thirty-seven gremlins sprinted downhill toward a suspiciously well-stocked boutique nestled beside the Olympic Village, proudly advertising:

BIATHLON – PERFORMANCE EQUIPMENT & “ADVENTURE ACCESSORIES”

The front windows showcased an alarming variety of items including high-tech “performance enhancement” gadgets, decorative restraints labeled as “enthusiastic organizational tools” and specialty costumes ranging from “Arctic Explorer” to “Emotionally Supportive Lobster.” 



A range of aromatic candles with names like Glacial Passion and Frosted Ambivalence displayed beside mystery boxes labeled only “ADVANCED USERS ONLY – SOME ASSEMBLY & COURAGE REQUIRED”

The gremlins burst inside with the reverence of archaeologists discovering a lost civilization.

George vs. Maude: A Tactical Disagreement

George immediately grabbed a shimmering, suspiciously complicated harness and declared, “This is clearly aerodynamic.”

Maude squinted at the instructions, which unfolded into a pamphlet, then a booklet, then what appeared to be a short novel.

“George,” she said, tapping a diagram with increasing concern, “this requires twelve adjustment points and emotional maturity.”

George scoffed. “That’s just a suggestion.”

Maude snapped back, “You once lost a staring contest with a kettle.” 

George attempted to demonstrate how the harness “clearly improves balance.” The demonstration resulted in him becoming temporarily attached to a rotating display rack.

A nearby gremlin supportively yelled:

“Bold strategy—maximum restraint, minimum planning!”

Meanwhile: 

Dennis Enters the Arena

While George and Maude conducted what witnesses described as a relationship seminar with Velcro and duct tape, Dennis quietly began looting the store.  Dennis, known throughout gremlin society for combining ingenuity and a gift for pyrotechnics coupled with spectacularly poor judgment, was armed with nothing but a dessert spoon and a selection of rubber bands.  


No one quite knows why, and frankly, we're a little afraid to ask.

Using the spoon as a lever and the rubber bands in what he repeatedly called “precision tension engineering,” a miniature trebuchet is quickly constructed using a box of stolen tongue-depressors. The results are… well, it's a feat of redneck engineered obstinacy , we'll let you imagine the outcome  

Dennis then successfully catapulted small boxed items into a tote bag labeled “Definitely Medical Supplies and Life Threatening Equitment”. Clearly his training seminars on workplace safety paid for themselves. 



Store security footage would later show him whispering:

 “Stealth is just amplitude that hasn’t happened yet.”

He flicked a display switch using the spoon, accidentally activating a demonstration mannequin that began rotating slowly while playing romantic accordion music.

Dennis nodded approvingly.

“Good ambience increases resale value.”

We're not certain exactly what he is selling, however, the one thing we are all agreed on is that it will be on the black market by noon. 

Event Judging Criteria was Rapidly Improvised, and Officials attempted to maintain Olympic integrity by introducing scoring categories:

Speed of Acquisition
Creative Misinterpretation of Product Purpose
Ability to Avoid Eye Contact with Store Staff
Sheer Audacity

Daffy sprinted past the register dragging an entire rack of novelty items while shouting:

 “This is endurance shopping!”

Stripe, the Olympic Torch Bearer, paused mid-loot to light a scented candle and whispered:


                                                                                                                             Across the store by the sports bras and sliotars, George and Maude have officially entered the upper echelons of the Escalation Phase

Maude was now attempting to free George using a shoehorn, a feather boa, and mounting frustration.  “Hold still,” she barked.  “I am holding still!” George protested while slowly rotating like a confused chandelier. Maude glared at the instruction booklet again.

“Why is there no troubleshooting section labeled ‘If partner begins spinning’?”

Orville, a passing gremlin shouted (with great authority and absolute righteousness):

“That’s a premium feature!”

During this, Dennis Reaches Peak Tier Innovation. 

Dennis, now emboldened, attempted to use his dessert spoon-and-rubber-band apparatus to retrieve a locked display item from across the counter. The device launched a box cleanly into a fish tank containing decorative plastic penguins. Dennis stared thoughtfully and decided that this had resulted in 

 “Acceptable splash radius.”

He then saluted the penguins and added the dripping box to his collection.  

The lone cashier, who had clearly Seen Things during previous Olympic cycles, calmly activated the Polite Yet Firm Announcement System: 

“Attention shoppers: This is a reminder that Biathlon is a retail establishment, not a competitive heist arena.”

The gremlins applauded, assuming it was part of the ceremony.


The event ended when Olympic officials arrived, stepped into the doorway, surveyed the scene, and collectively announced the phrase:

George was eventually detached from the display rack after a gracefully albeit slow pirouette using warm tea and a sincere apology from the Chairman of the Olympic Committee (Kentucky).

Maude declared victory on the grounds that she had “successfully prevented George from purchasing something that required assembly tools and a 6 month long session with a therapist.”

Dennis crossed the finish line carrying three tote bags, a rotating mannequin arm, and what he insisted was “team spirit.” continuing his dedication to operating on a level of deranged competence that's mesmerizing.


Finally, the Medal Results were announced: 

🥇 Dennis – For Advanced Improvised Larceny Engineering

🥈 Maude – For Crisis Management Under Adhesive Conditions

🥉 George – For Outstanding Commitment to Becoming Merchandise, with a special commendation for his unexpected grace.

As the gremlins exited the store, arms full of mysterious gadgets and deeply questionable souvenirs, one official quietly updated the Olympic Handbook:

“Future Biathlon events must specify ‘snow sport.’ Underline twice. Possibly tattoo onto announcer.”


The handbook is beginning to resemble a document where Terry Pratchett's Discworld met Wile E. Coyote at an ACME shareholder meeting.  


Dennis, overhearing this, simply grinned and twanged his rubber bands which had now been repurposed from a trebuchet into an impromptu ukulele. 



 “See you at the Summer Games. I hear they’re doing pole vaulting. I’ve got ideas.”