Preventative measures halted this event from going ahead until we figure out a way to stop the gremlins from descending into debauchery. We apologise for the delay.
The Nordic Challenge (Or: How Gremlins Invented Scandinavian Cosplay Olympics)
"The next event," the official declared with what can only be described as foolish optimism, "the Nordic Challenge." The gremlins looked at each other.
Wickett whispered: "Viking stuff?" Allan: "IKEA?"
Dennis's eyes lit up: "Saunas." Maude closed her eyes briefly, already sensing impending disaster.
Twenty-four hours later, the gremlins arrived at the Nordic Challenge venue. Not a single one of them had skis. What they DID have, however, was quite a haul.
**Stripe:** Seven candles (for ambiance), a bag of Swedish Fish (the candy), and what he claimed was "authentic Nordic spiritual energy."
**George:** A Norwegian sweater (three sizes too large), a map of Scandinavia, and visible regret about every life choice that led him here.**Dennis:** Blueprints for a sauna. Also: timber, a heating element that hummed ominously, and a deeply concerning amount of electrical cable.
**Daffy:** Viking sword (foam, from a costume shop, he's dual-wielding it with a shield).
**Allan:** IKEA instruction manual. Just one. For a BILLY bookshelf. He's treating it like sacred text.
**Maude:** A flowing cape (deep crimson, perfectly draped), a crown braid that belonged in Valhalla, and an expression that suggested she was the only one who'd actually READ the event description but had decided this was more entertaining.
**Carl:** Remained in his tree, but now the tree had RUNES carved into it. Buzzworth was wearing a tiny Viking helmet. **Kevin:** A platter of Swedish meatballs (homemade, he'd been up since 4 AM), and increasing confusion about why everyone was dressed like this.
The Officials' Confusion
Official #1: "...Why is everyone dressed like Vikings?"
Dennis, mid-timber-arrangement: "It's the NORDIC Challenge."
Official #2: "The challenge involves CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING."
Punk, adjusting his crocheted beard: "We're being NORDIC though."
Official #1: "That's not—"
Maude, cape billowing: "We're nailing the aesthetic."
The official opened his mouth. Closed it. Looked at his clipboard. Looked back at the gremlins... and gave up.
Phase 1: The IKEA Incident
Allan had decided that "Nordic Challenge" clearly meant Swedish furniture assembly.
He'd brought:
- One BILLY bookshelf (unassembled)
- An Allen key
- Unrealistic optimism
"It's a RACE," Allan announced. "Fastest assembly wins."
George: "That's not what—"
Allan: "TIMED CONSTRUCTION. Very Nordic."
Wickett, genuinely curious: "Is it though?"
Allan had already started. Pieces everywhere. Instructions in Swedish (he doesn't read Swedish. Or English, for that matter). At one point, he had four boards connected in a shape that defied geometry.
Stripe lit a candle "for structural clarity."
It did not help.
Thirty minutes later, Allan had created something that MIGHT have been a bookshelf, or possibly modern art.
George: "That has five shelves."
Allan: "BILLY only has four."
George: "I KNOW."
Allan: "...Huh."
Phase 2: Dennis's Sauna
While Allan battled Swedish engineering, Dennis was constructing a sauna. On site. Next to the ski course. Because where else would it go? He was using:
- Reclaimed timber (source: questionable)- A heating element (jalapeño voltage MINIMUM)- Electrical wiring that made Professor Harrowgate nervously take notes- Absolute confidence
Dennis: "Yes?"
Maude: "Why are you building a SAUNA?"
Dennis: "Nordic Challenge. Saunas are Finnish. Finland is Nordic. This is LEGITIMATE."
Maude: "The challenge involves SKIING, Dennis."
Dennis: "Skiing TO the sauna, yes."
Maude: "That's not—"
Dennis: "Recreational recovery is CRUCIAL for athletic performance!"
The sauna was, somehow, taking shape. It had:
- Four walls (mostly)
- A door (attached with bungee cords)
- A roof (tarp, duct-taped)
- Benches (repurposed Olympic Village furniture)
- A heating element that was ALREADY humming in a way that suggested sentience
George: "Is it supposed to glow like that?"
Dennis: "That's how you KNOW it's working.
George: "Premium features don't usually violate the visible light spectrum."
Dennis:
Phase 3: The Lutefisk Mystery
Someone—no one would later admit who—brought lutefisk. Not to eat. Just... to have. It sat on a table near the starting line, gelatinous and vaguely threatening.
Buzzworth: "That's not fish, Carl. That's a CRIME AGAINST FISH."
Kevin, passing by: "It's lutefisk. Traditional Norwegian."
Carl: "But WHY IS IT HERE?"
Kevin: "...I don't know. I didn't bring it."
Stripe: "Maybe it's for morale?"
George: "It smells like REGRET."
The lutefisk remained. Unexplained. Ominous. Later, officials would try to remove it. It had somehow FROZEN to the table.
They gave up.
Phase 4: The Viking Combat Interlude
Daffy, fully committed to the Viking aesthetic, challenged Punk to "honorable combat."
Both were armed with foam weapons. Punk's crocheted beard was majestic in the wind. They battled for seven minutes. The combat included:
- Shield bashing (foam on foam, deeply unsatisfying sounds)
- War cries (Daffy's was just screaming)
- Tactical rolling (Punk got dizzy)
- Stripe providing dramatic candlelight
- Carl providing commentary ("HUBRIS!" "MAGNIFICENT HUBRIS!")
- Buzzworth suggesting they "maybe calm down"
The battle ended when Punk's saucepan-under-helmet shifted and he couldn't see. He declared Daffy the victor. Daffy raised his foam sword: "VALHALLA!"
Officials: "This isn't PART of the event!" Daffy: "It's Nordic SPIRIT."
Officials: "It's FOAM SWORD CHAOS."
Maude, (exasperated): "Let them have this."
Phase 5: Swedish Meatball Diplomacy
Kevin beamed with pride.
For exactly four minutes, there was PEACE. Then Dennis's sauna heating element sparked.
Peace ended.
Phase 6: Wickett, The Reluctant Actual Competitor
While everyone else engaged in Scandinavian chaos cosplay, Wickett looked around.
At Allan's geometrically impossible bookshelf. At Dennis's glowing sauna. At Punk and Daffy's foam combat situation. At the lutefisk (still unexplained). At Maude, presiding in her cape like a Norse goddess who had ZERO intention of athletic activity. At George, already wearing his homemade medals.
Wickett: "Someone should probably... actually do the skiing part."
Allan, mid-IKEA crisis: "What?"
Wickett: "The EVENT. Nordic Combined, Cross-country skiing. The thing we're supposedly HERE for?"
Dennis, wiring the sauna: "We ARE here for it. Nordic challenge. This is VERY Nordic."
Wickett: "That's not—" *[stops himself]* "You know what? Fine."
He strapped on skis. Checked the course map. Stretched (properly, unlike SOME gremlins) - and skied.
Actually skied.
The whole course. With decent form. Passed the lutefisk table. Navigated around Dennis's construction zone. Avoided the foam combat area. Completed the circuit. Came back.
No one had noticed he'd left.
Wickett stood at the finish line, slightly winded, moderately annoyed, and DEEPLY resigned to being the only competent one here.
Official: "You... you actually DID the event."
Wickett: "SOMEONE had to."
Official: "While everyone else—"
Official: "...Are you okay?"
Wickett: *[Looks around at the chaos]* "I've accepted my role as the person who ACTUALLY does things while everyone else has a cultural experience."
Wickett: "It's EXHAUSTING is what it is."
He walked over to where Allan was staring at his five-shelf BILLY.
Wickett: "Allan. BILLY has FOUR shelves."
Allan: "I KNOW. I don't know what happened."
Wickett: "Swedish instructions happened. And hubris."
Allan: "...Fair."
MEANWHILE: MAUDE
Maude, observing Wickett's return from her aesthetic supervision post, nodded approvingly.
Maude: "Good job, Wickett."
Wickett: "You didn't ski."
Maude: *[Gestures to elaborate crown braid]* "Do you realize how long it takes to look like this?"
Wickett: "...That's not a reason."
Maude: "It's THE reason. I'm providing VISUAL EXCELLENCE while you provide ATHLETIC COMPETENCE. Division of labor."
Wickett: "That's not how Olympic events—"
Maude: *[Adjusts cape]* "My cape has caught the perfect amount of wind. This moment is FLEETING. Don't ruin it with logistics."
Wickett: *[Gives up]* "Fine."
Maude: "You're learning."
Phase 7: The Sauna Incident
Dennis's sauna reached operational status. Steam poured out. The door hung at a jaunty angle. The heating element glowed ORANGE.
Several gremlins entered. The heat was IMMEDIATE and INTENSE. Stripe brought a candle (for ambiance). Carl refused to enter (claustrophobia + trust issues). George lasted forty-five seconds before declaring it "inhumane." Punk's beard started WILTING. The sauna itself began making concerning sounds.
Maude, from outside: "Dennis, what temperature is that SET to?"
Dennis: "...Optimal?"
Maude: "In NUMBERS, Dennis."
Dennis: *Calculates* "...Habanero?"
Maude: "THAT'S NOT A TEMPERATURE SCALE."
Everyone evacuated. FAST.
The sauna continued steaming ominously. It would steam for THREE DAYS before someone finally dared to get close enough to unplug it. Dennis considered this a SUCCESS.
Officials attempted to score the event. Categories included:
- Cross-Country Skiing Performance (Wickett: 10/10, Everyone Else: 0/10)
- Nordic Aesthetic Commitment (Everyone: 11/10)
- IKEA Assembly (Allan: 3/10, "Creative interpretation")
- Sauna Construction (Dennis: 7/10 for ambition, 1/10 for safety)
- Swedish Meatballs (Kevin: 10/10, unanimous)
- Foam Combat (Daffy: Victory, Punk: Honor)
- Lutefisk Presence (???: Unexplained/10)
Wickett: "So I WON, right? I actually DID the event?"
Official: "Technically yes."
Wickett: "TECHNICALLY?"
Official: "But Allan built... something. And Dennis made a sauna. And Kevin's meatballs were REALLY good."
Wickett: *[Deep breath]*
Wickett: "I'm going to need you to give me a medal RIGHT NOW or I'm joining Carl in his tree."
Medal: AWARDED IMMEDIATELY.
**The Medals**
🥇 **Wickett** - For Actually Doing the Event While Everyone Else Had a Scandinavian Cultural Festival.
🥈 **Kevin** - For Swedish Meatballs That United Gremlins Across Foam Combat Lines
🥉 **Dennis's Sauna** - For Existing Against All Odds and Several Safety Codes
**Honorable Mentions:**
- Maude - For Aesthetic Supervision and Cape Management Excellence
- Punk's Crocheted Viking Beard (survived one (1) sauna session)
- Allan's Five-Shelf BILLY (geometrically impossible)
- The Lutefisk (for PRESENCE)
**Official Handbook Update**
*"Nordic Challenge has been clarified: it means CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING in a Nordic style, not 'anything vaguely Scandinavian.' Gremlins arrived in Viking cosplay, built furniture and saunas, engaged in foam combat, and established a meatball station. Wickett was the only one who skied. He is VERY tired. Dennis's sauna remains operational (concerning). The lutefisk has achieved permanent status. We don't know how. Kevin's meatballs were excellent. This is now in the official record."*
*"NOTE: Next year, 'Nordic Challenge' will be renamed 'Cross-Country Skiing' to avoid cultural misinterpretation. Also: Dennis is banned from building ANY structures.
The sauna is STILL STEAMING."*
